Jigsaw falling into place
by lovebomb
Summary: What do you do when the only person you felt anything at all for is the one person you hate? After 3 long years, 21 year old Bella Swan is thrust into the arms of the last person she wants to see. M for lemons and language
1. I wanna be your dog

**Ok so this is my first ever fanfiction :) I'm so nervous, and i'm not totaly sure how this works! Supposedly i need a beta? I plan on making this lengthy, and it isn't going to be wham bam thank you mam kind of story! This chapter is just to ease you guys into it, and hopefully leave you wanting for more...**

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oh and i don't own anything stephanie meyer :( boooo

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People say one bad experience should never taint your future ones. But people didn't know me.

At 21 years old, life had somehow managed to fall into a routine.  
_Wakeup, work nine till two at my local library (my safe haven), jog to the gym and then go back to bed._

I had never been one to complain; it seemed like this was just what was meant for me. At school, I had never stood out from the crowd; instead I was happy to blend into the noise. To add to this air of melancholic indifference was my dad, Charlie. It's not like he didn't try to get me out there and socialize-but each time I'd come back home, mentally drained from the lack of sobriety and personal space (yes, I was never a fan of immature horny boys) that each high school piss up party had to offer. The opposite sex had always been an accessory to my life, never an addition - in recent days I would meet (and on occasion hook-up with) guys after much coaxing by my friends, and then the walls would return and I'd leave the one night stand in the morning with nothing more than the memory of me. I kept a simple manta-Men should always be kept at arm's length; because if you let them in they would only tear you down.

But I had learnt some ways of unwinding, and it would always be music.

So tonight, as I could hear the supporting act play their set as I walked into the arena, I couldn't help but get pumped up for tonight and all it would entail.

"Bella can you pleeeease stick to me this time? I'm way too small and you owe me a shoulder up in the crowd!" Alice shouted. Since I'd crowd-surfed and deserted her at our last concert, metric, she had made me vow that I would piggy back her so she could get a good view tonight.

Alice was the one constant in my life apart from my Dad. She was my polar opposite; and yet she was perfect for me. She was already married to her childhood sweetheart, Jasper. But the thing that would always amaze me is that they could have stayed engaged for 20 more years and it wouldn't have mattered. Because they had each other, and that was what was important to them. Saying that, their ceremony last month could have been slightly more low-key - maybe they could have lost the life-size statues of Alice and Jasper…made solely from flowers. But that was Alice for you; ever the party thrower and never wanting to be outdone. I found myself sometimes wondering if it was fate that had brought them together, or if it was something altogether more powerful. I remember clearly the first time I saw the pixie with the beautiful face as I went to sit in my English class on the first day of high school-she had announced that we would be the best of friends. She always seemed to be right, though i never admitted it to her face. My stubborn best friend would have never let me live it down. If only she had been right about him...

"Ok ok Alice, but only if you'll stop forcing me to wear shit like this!" I bargained, not that it would make a difference. Since the age of 11 I had been her Barbie and she had been my Gok-wan, styling me in ridiculous outfits with shoes that did nothing for my natural ability to say hi to the floor every now and again (yes, klutz should have been my middle name).

"Fuck off Bella. You know that dress is made for you!" She replied.

"Yeah, made for me to wear for my next job prospect as a lady of the night" was my retort. As per usual, I wasn't entirely being truthful. The dress was nice, but it wasn't the dress that made me anxious, it was that it would have been better suited to someone more...But before i could go on with my inner thoughts Alice's screams erupted into my head

"Bella, it's our song!"

No time was wasted as we ran into the crowd hearing 'love bomb'(N.E.R.D must have got on stage whilst our little bitch fight occurred), Alice all the while shoving past grown men making them look twice. As soon as we neared the front, we both let go and started dancing freely, enjoying the pulse of the crowd and the push and pulls of bodies, when suddenly the wind was knocked out of me. It was only when I was outside that I realized I must have fainted, as I sure as hell couldn't recall getting there. Slowly getting my bearings, I began to feel a strange vice like grip around my arms...soft but not soft enough to allow me the freedom to move. Panicking, I did the first thing I could think of.  
I kicked the guy in the balls.

"WHAT THE FUCK BELLA"

I would remember his voice anywhere, for it was perfectly ingrained in my head despite the 3 years since I'd last heard it. I twisted in his lap and turned to face him; just to make sure that my mind wasn't deceiving me and that this was really happening.

And that's when I saw him fully,  
the man who had claimed my heart so very long ago,  
my Edward.

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Ok so i'm suree you guys are wondering what's edward done to make bella hate men? and how could she hate him! all will be explained in later chapters..it only gets worse before it gets better!

Oh and this story is going to have alot of music embedded into it, tracks mentioned here are so far

_jigsaw falling into place-radiohead_

_love bomb-N.E.R.D_

give them a listen:))

**Please please review, i would love you forever :)**


	2. No sound but the wind

_Ok so please please please please **please** review guys-it would mean alot to me! Thanks for alerting/favoriting this aswell, it means alot. Did i mention i would love a review? thanks :)_

_Oh and stephanie meyer owns_

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And that's when I saw him fully,  
the man who had claimed my heart so very long ago,  
my Edward._

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I cursed inwardly at my foolish brain for hoping that there was a chance he could have gotten less beautiful as time passed. But as was Edward, he remained perfect. His jaw was tensed and I fought the urge to run my fingers along the sharp line; like I would have done no longer than 3 years ago whenever he seemed upset. My eyes moved of their own accord to the soft pink of his lips, and up to his eyes. They were still the piercing green that had haunted my dreams for so long, and yet they were not as vibrant as I knew them to be. My heart was beating a mile a minute.

"Bella…" I couldn't fathom the underlying sad tones to his voice, but I assumed that I wasn't far off in thinking this was probably his worst nightmare, and so his sadness probably stemmed from his unfortunate run-in with me. As soon as he had uttered this, he seemed to remember what precarious position I was in, and loosed his grip on my arms. My voice box apparently was AWOL.

A rush of words came from his mouth. "Err…one minute you were upright and the next minute you got pushed to the ground…I was worried so I carried you out of the crowd..We probably should find alic-"

But he didn't have time to finish his mumblings, because the next thing Alice had come over, and grabbed Edward by his hair.

"GET AWAY FROM HER YOU FUCKING DICK!"

By this point I knew I had to intervene, whether or not my voice box was ready.

"ALICE! Let go!" When Alice heard my voice, her anger seemed to soften and she reluctantly released his hair, which had somehow managed to get more bronze since I'd last seen it. Edward, however, tensed even more and I wondered if the sound of me speaking resembled chalk on a blackboard, just as his body language was insinuating to me. He looked me dead in the eye and there was nothing there. Nothing.

"What the fuck are you doing here Edward, anyway? I thought you didn't live here anymore. Actually scratch that. I hoped that you didn't live here anymore" Alice spat with as much animosity as her little body could muster.

"Yeah, well as you can see I do live here. I came back 2 weeks ago and-"

"Oh whatever Edward, save it for people that care. We're going to go now, and if we're lucky you won't be seeing us for another 3 years you pathetic excuse of a man".

At that, Alice dragged me by the arm and we were in her car before you could say 'what the fuck is going on with my life'. I sat in silence, awaiting the torrent of abuse that Alice would most likely be letting out. But nothing came. The tears fell as silently as the air around us and I felt no urge to brush them away. He was back, and it scared me to know that two seconds in his company had affected me this much. Hadn't I slept with 4 people since he left? Why had his chaste touches left burns in their wake? My body tingled knowing he was nearby as if every cell wanted to join him.

"How are you feeling Bella?" Alice asked, upon turning to face me.

How was I feeling? Sick. Angry. Exhausted. But the scariest feeling? Longing.

"I can't believe he's here" is what I settled with.

"It was bound to happen someday I guess…this just wasn't what I expected. Do you remember at all what happened when you passed out?"

"I don't even know why I passed out! It felt like something hit me but then I was out here with…him"

"You can say his name, Bella. A guy was crowd surfing and he got dropped on you. I tried to push him away but the next thing I know Edward comes waltzing over, carrying you away while I'm left in the crowd with the guy who landed on you asking me to give him a leg up again!"

"What happened after that?" I was trying my best to ignore the voice in my head that was wondering if there was a chance that Edward had noticed me before I had fainted. But surely I would have seen him..

"I punched the shit! How dare he fall on you and then ask ME to help him back up into the crowd. I swear chivalry is dead Bella! And then I left to go looking for you and I saw him...With you in his arms."

"Yeah, well as I was coming too I thought someone was pretty much manhandling me, so I ended up kneeing him in the balls" I confessed,

Alice howled with laughter, evidently ecstatic, and her reaction worried me. Wouldn't he be hurt now? On second thoughts, karma was a bitch and it was probably going to take me weeks to get over seeing his face again. It satisfied my fucked up brain to know that since he would be feeling no emotional pain from this, at least he would be left with physical.

Her laughter stopped. I felt transparent. "Bella come on, you can't keep doing this. He left you and now he comes back without even calling you to say 'hi'. Don't even give him a second thought – I won't let you. He left you and who had to pick up the pieces? I can't bear seeing you like that ever again, and you've just got yourself together, what with the library job and me finally getting you to go out again and such. Bella if I could take your pain and make it mine I would. But I can't and you're just going to have to be strong and forget about him, can you do that for me? Please?'

I considered her words, and it hurt me to know that the damage Edward caused seemed to affect more than just me. I had thought I was a good actress, but Alice had obviously seen more than I was willing to show. I would try harder now. Alice shouldn't have to deal with my pain, and if it meant sporting the best fake face I could muster to hide my emotions, then I would do it. For her.

"Already done" I replied.

"Thank you Bella. Now, we should head to a bar or something. The night's still young! I'm thinking we go to midnight sun, it's just opened and jasper's friend owns it so we could get discount on drink and..."

But I didn't catch the rest. Although it killed me to acknowledge it, I figured since I wouldn't be seeing him anytime soon I may as well cut a little deeper into my heart since the wounds were already open and bleeding. Behind the safety of my straight-face I would welcome the torture that surely awaited me. I would welcome the pain. Because all that plagued my mind was him.

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ok ok ok ok sooooooooooo why is edward grimacing when bella speaks? rude! and why is alice so hostile to edward? and where will the night take Bella and Alice?

To be continued ;)

**Oh and please review**


	3. Chop and change

_Ok, so i'm not going to lie. I'm feeling a tad disheartened that noone has reviewed despite so many hits :( Tell me anything! Even if you think it's rubbish...it's something right? I just would like to hear your thoughts and i'm intreseted in what you're making of this story so far._

_So please please review :)_

_Here goes..._

_Warning:There is swearing in here.._

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"I'm just going to get us a beer Edward" Emmett shouted over the music

"Yeah, awesome. Next round's on me" I replied. We were both at our favorite club; Emmett's way of dissipating my anger I guess. It was working so far. He was my best friend and brother and knew me more than I knew myself some times, and it was him who had convinced me to move back to forks into his apartment until I found my own. It hadn't taken much to convince me to come back, the chances of seeing her again was so minute that I had pushed it out of my head when i had made my decision.

"So did you not even get a chance to talk properly with her?" Emmet said whilst handing me my much needed beer. Itdidn't go unnoticed that he hadn't said her name. I thanked him internally.

"No, Alice came and managed to fuck it up before I could talk. I mean what was I supposed to do? Leave Bella to get crushed by some beastly men? It's not like Alice could have ever carried her out of the crowd anyway" I caught Emmett's dubious glance and added hastily "Emmet I was really just helping her out. The feeling isn't there anymore…I mean…it's been 3 fucking years Emmett. Fuck, it's been three fucking years!"

"Ok, ok I believe you man, don't go all ape shit on my ass! You can't help a guy for wondering though, you know? Edward, after you left you just haven't really been the sa-"

"Oh save the bullshit Em, I did what I had to do. She made her choice and I made mine. Now can we fucking forget about all this shit and just get hammered please?"

"Right, if you say so. I'm here when you're ready to talk though. I'm all up for avoiding the emotional talk crap but you have to let it all out at some point.."

"Yeah whatever. Hey, 10 bucks I can fuck that girl tonight" I said pointing to the closest female nobody I could find. All this delving into my feelings was doing no good and the familiar cold feeling in my chest that had been a constant inhabitant for the past 3 years seemed to rise to my throat. The room suddenly seemed too small. Fuck this.

I got up, making my way to the men's. I didn't want to think about her. To remember how she felt in my arms. To smell her scent in my nose. To feel the burn of her gaze. To hear her laugh in my ears.

"Alice stop plying me with alcohol! My dad would be ashamed!"

Oh. Shit. The laugh wasn't a figment of my imagination. It was her. She was here, like my own personal demon out to ruin me. I rushed to get out through a back door. I needed a smoke and some clean air to clear my head. She was fucking with me and I didn't want to deal with it; any of it. Slumping on the pavement I sucked in a deep breath, exhaling air that I didn't realize I'd been holding in. I was fucked, and she didn't even care. She never fucking cared.

I had never known how it had happened, but Bella had captivated me from the first moment she was in my presence. Inadvertently, I began to think about the first time she had stumbled into my life, taking everything with her.

3 years prior

I sometimes wondered just how big Esme's heart really was, and if there was a simple truth in the idea of guardian angels. Five years ago, when I was 13, Esme Cullen had adopted me and taken me in as one of her own. My mother, Elizabeth, had been a raging alcoholic and till this day I had never really known if my blood mother had ever really cared for me at all. I would still sometimes see her glassy eyes as they shouted abuse at me in my dreams.

After the death of my mother and subsequent moving in at the Cullen household, everything changed. Instead of my usual routine of robbing food from the local newsagents in the morning and helping clear up my mom's vomit in the afternoon, I was now met with the prospect of an education. My thirst for knowledge had always been evident, even to Elizabeth and her many men. I remember clearly the day I had robbed 'East of Eden', my favorite book by Steinbeck from the local library. I had sat seeking refuge and solace under the stair cupboard of our damp and decomposing house, re-reading some of my favorite pages from the battered copy I held in my hands. Garret, her current flame and fellow alcoholic had dragged me out of the cupboard and proceeded to 'teach me a lesson about how real men should behave'. The book was thrown to the trash and I would never read it again.

On my first day of high school I had thrown up in the boy's toilets because of the nerves that had hit me as soon as I had stepped out of Carlisle car. As the years progressed and I began to grow I seemed to gather more attention than I wanted and it proved everything I knew about mankind. They were all superficial. The girls flocked and every single one held no interest in the real me what so ever. All they could see was the skin, the outside, the exterior. I passed through my school years till the age of seventeen staying away from most people much to the disdain of Emmet, who was older than me and had already graduated from Forks High. I would leave school in my Volvo and drive back for lessons. School was just what it said on the tin, it was a place to learn and not to socialize. I passed through till the age of seventeen, keeping myself to myself, until she came.

I had felt the buzz as I walked into school; I had known something had caused the change in atmosphere. But I could not find it in myself to care. Walking around into my first lesson of the day, I got my answer. We had a new student arrive mid-year. I sat down in my usual seat right at the back of the Biology class, waiting for the lesson to start.

"Settle down! So today, I have an experiment for you all to do. Get into pairs of two please" Mr. Banner, our teacher stated.

"Bella, you can seat yourself next to Edward right at the back there."

The whole class turned around to me, waiting for my reaction. In the whole 3 months I had taken this class, I had never partnered up before. When Mr. Banner sent reports home about my lack of social integration, I would rip them up so Esme couldn't read them and worry herself over my flawed self.

I saw her approach, and couldn't help but gasp. Her eyes were the single most expressive things I'd ever seen in my whole life. I could see her fear, and something else I couldn't identify as well. I looked down and made a show of arranging my books ready to start our experiment. As she took her seat, I caught the smell of something so overpowering it made my hands tighten, and I had an urge to turn around and speak to someone other than my family for the first time in 5 years.

"Hi." Whoa, hooking stuff right there Edward.

She turned and the blush that crept over her skin made something inside me pulse. "Hello." She smiled at me tentatively. I couldn't look away.

"Have you just moved here?" I asked; my interest in her growing with each second that passed. I had to know her.

"Yeah, just came from phoenix actually" She replied, her eyes roaming over my face. Almost as if she was reading me like a page of a book. I tensed.

"Oh, what are you doing here then? Kicked out or something?"

It was her turn to tense up now. "No. Figured I should spend some time with my Dad down here."

"I'm sorry, I just….this is new to me" I blurted out. Way to go with the cool approach

"It's ok…I'm nervous too as well you know" She said softly, her voice caressing my gently.

"Who said I was nervous?" I stated, straightening my back as if to prove my point.

"Your knuckles are white and your arms are folded. Standard body language."

"Oh really?" I raised an eyebrow at her

"Yes really. Now if you don't mind, we have an experiment to do and I don't know if you noticed but everyone's already half-way through!" She smirked, taking her eyes away from me and opening my pencil case. I swallowed, surprised at how distracted I was. I had never missed a single teacher's ramblings in my whole school life. How was it possible that I class had started without me?

"Mind if I take a pen?" The way her lips moved was stirring things inside me so strong that it scared me. What was going on? I nodded, suddenly turning mute and surprised at how drawn I was to this girl.

The lesson passed and we sat in silence, and as the school bell rang I had the sudden urge to see her again.

"Hey Bella….erm…well my brother's sort of having a party at our house and normally I would just sit in my room and do work but…would you like to come? I mean, I get it's a school night and everything but the whole school will probably be crashing it anyway thanks to him advertising it everywhere. He's stupid like that...So erm…yeah. Do you want to?"

Her lips were held in an O and I realized then that she thought I was crazy. Mental even. Maybe she would move school and go back to phoenix and everyone will know about how I made a girl run-away from forks because I was propositioning her with stupid events that I didn't even want to go to. I knew I should have neve-

"That would be great. Thanks. Erm…what time does it start?"

Shit, shit and double shit. She said yes? She was coming round! Speak Cullen you idiot!

"Oh cool. It's at 7.30; our house is just through the woods behind school. The white house with-"

"Yeah it's cool, I know where it is. My Dad Charlie is friends with Carlisle I think...he mentioned something Cullen today actually. Guessing that your Second name is Cullen right?"

"Wait a minute. Bella Swan. Oh yeah, of course I know Charlie. Ok well, that's cool. See you tonight I guess."

"Yeah, thanks for the invite Edward. See you tonight I guess." And with that she gave me a smile and walked out of class.

The rest of the day had been nothing short of catastrophic. I couldn't concentrate on anything in classes and I had been called by teachers for it. I was screwed. Driving home I thought through how the fuck I would explain all of what happened to Em. I parked my car on the drive and walked into my home, seeing him sat on the sofa watching a game, surrounded by beer.

"Pass us one, I need it." I said, internally wincing at how lousy my voice sounded.

"What's up bro?" Emmet said, not turning from the T.V as he chucked me a beer. Lucky for me I was a good catcher.

"Iinvitedagirltonight" I said all in one breath. Emmet's face said it all.

"Oh...That's…that's cool. That's new, but that's cool." He said, feigning indifference. The surprise was laced with each word.

"Yeah cool. So I'll just be going upstairs now. May as well have a nap before it starts…"

"Sure thing bro…are you okay?" he asked me, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"I….I don't know."

And every word I spoke was true. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't sure. I didn't know what the hell I was feeling, but all I was sure was that it was new and completely freaking me out. Bella Swan was involuntarily changing me and she didn't even know it.

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_ok so a blast from the plast just to show you more about edwards past. He may seem like a dick right now but he has his reasons guys! Keep reading...and review :)_

_Oh and the chapter title is from the black keys, and it is incidentaly on the eclipse soundtrack :) enjoy x_


	4. Rough hands

_Hello people! So i'm quite excited about this chapter. I realise it may seem abit back and forth but these flashbacks that i write explain or rather reveal more about certain charecters. I don't want to write anything that seems like it's going over and over the same point, so there wont be a EPOV BPOV thing on every single action unless you want it. hope you enjoy reading as much as i enjoy writing :)_ **review pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee**

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3 years ago, 24 June 7.30 pm

I had never felt so nervous in my whole life. I could hear the hustle and bustle of bodies mingling downstairs, and Emmett's music blasting through the speakers that he had bought especially for tonight. I considered whether it would be better for me to wait in my room till 8 when I would be sure she had arrived, or just bear the crowd and go downstairs now. After 5 minutes of deliberation I decided to grin and bear it, and made my way downstairs.

"You look good bro!" I heard Em shout over to me. I was wearing a green t-shirt and jeans with some vans and my hair was its usual unruly self. He was sat on a table with 3 girls, doing shots. I walked over.

"Hey, mind if I have some?" I asked. Liquid courage would be useful to me right now.

"Yeah sure, try some of this" I swallowed what he passed and felt the clean burning in my throat. That should do.

"Emmett you never told me you had such a hot brother…" One blonde said. I didn't turn to look properly at her.

"Yeah well, stay away Tanya – he's got his eye on someone else, all efforts shall be in vain!" He chuckled as if this was an idea that was preposterous. I decided to take a proper look at her since I was here, and all I was met with was an over caked face with over worked hair to match. I could imagine that she may gather attention from some boys.

I started to recall the way Bella face had looked today, and all thoughts of Tanya were ignored. At that I decided to walk to our spare room where all the booze was being kept.

"Em, I'm just going to get some more stuff, stocks seem to be depleting" I smirked.

"Hell yeah they're depleting, that's the way it should be!" He shouted, and was met with hooting and hollers all round.

Pushing past the bodies around me I finally managed to get round the corner, wondering all the while when Bella would turn up. Maybe she had decided that she had too much school work or maybe she had accepted my invitation out of pity. I wouldn't blame her if she did I just-

"SHIT I'm so sorry I wasn't looking! Oh shit I've spilt your drink all over you! Here let me get you another" I rambled, turning around quickly to get a cloth.

"No, no Edward…it's ok…resident klutz here at your service"

I turned to face the voice which I had unknowingly memorized since Biology today, and I found myself agape. How I hadn't noticed her from the moment we collided was beyond me. Funny how I was so wrapped up in thinking about her that I didn't see her right in front of me.

"Hi Bella" I couldn't think of what else to say, and she looked so devastatingly beautiful it was almost surreal. Her hair was tied up revealing the smooth pale curve of her neck. I looked down taking in her form, and saw she was wearing a blue dress that hugged her curves, almost revealing her body to me. It nipped in at the waist and accentuated her chest in a way that would make any red-blooded male salivate. My eyes moved over to take in her face, and the blush that crept over her cheeks made my heart race. I was doing that, surely. Her lips were pink and I had the urge to kiss here there and then.

She smiled.

"Hello Edward"

"Would you like a drink? I mean, it's the least I can do, since I managed to fuck up the one you were holding" There were stains on her dress and I found myself once again taking in her shape. This time she noticed my ogling.

"That would be great" She laughed, walking ahead of me to my original destination.

"So did you just get here?" I was desperate to hear her voice again.

"Yeah me and my friend Alice came…I hope you don't mind I invited her...Strength in numbers you know?" she turned to look at me, and gave me another tentative smile.

"Yeah sure, so what'll it be? We have Bacardi if you want to go easy, or some cider or even beer if you wan-"

"Vodka please" She replied quickly, cutting me off.

"Vodka? You do realize it'll knock you out in two if you have too much right? Take it easy"

"Liquid courage Edward, liquid courage" and I found myself acknowledging that maybe she was as nervous as I was.

We walked back into the party, and it was then that I heard a sharp voice over the music.

"Bella! Wait up!" shouted a small, pixie sized girl. She couldn't have been taller than half of me, and she was holding hands with a guy who seemed to be sizing me up, but not in a way that intimidated me. I recognized the look. He cared for Bella.

"Well, aren't you going to introduce us B?" the small girl said, looking directly into my eyes.

"Oh sure, Edward, this is my best friend Alice, and her boyfriend Jasper" I smiled tentatively, and noted with alarm just how much harder it was for me to let go with these strangers, in comparison to Bella. I plucked up the courage.

"Nice to meet you guys. Did you just move here too?" I asked

"No we've always been here, but we're older so we've headed off to college now" the girl replied with much fervor. She smiled throughout her sentence, and I found myself relaxing.

Before I could reply, Alice was dragging Jasper away with her, "You guys have fun...Me and Jasper are just going to...go get a drink!"

It hadn't gone unnoticed to me that she was holding a drink in her hand when she winked at Bella, or that Jasper had not said a word during our chat. I found myself weirdly admiring his bravery for being with a girl so-

"Alice is crazy" Bella chuckled, breaking into my thoughts.

"Ha, yeah she's something else" I replied, smiling back at her, as if it was the easiest thing to do. And it was. I wanted to talk to her properly.

"You wanna go outside for abit?" I asked her.

She nodded and we walked out into my garden in silence. It wasn't awkward, it just…was. I lay down on the grass and put out my jacket for her to lie onto, if she wanted. It seemed she did.

"Isn't it weird how the stars we are looking at right now don't even exist anymore? We still recognize them thousands of years after they die. Without knowing they leave a mark on people for years to come" I rambled.

"I hope people are like that too. That maybe we could leave a mark on people after we leave as well" She gently.

"Some people are not worth remembering" I replied quietly. There was a long silence. It was possible that she hadn't heard me.

"You're different" she softly said, almost whispering it to me.

"So are you" I turned to face her leaning on one elbow, leaving enough space that I could see her features from the lights of the party inside. It seemed like such a normal reply but I silently pondered whether she knew just how different she was to me.

"Yeah, sure" She rolled her eyes, answering my thoughts. She didn't know.

"Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?" I uttered my face drawing nearer to hers instinctively. Her aroma filled me and I found myself breathing it in as if it were not the air that was essential to me, but her scent.

"No" she simply replied.

I kissed her. I kissed her there as she lay down on my jacket in my back garden. It was not my first kiss, but I wished it had been. It was everything a kiss was meant to be.

My lips caressed hers slowly, almost as if they were telling her a secret that no one else should hear. The soft pillows of her lips stroked mine back and I wanted more, so much more. I slowly opened my mouth, taking her bottom lip on mine and licked. It was not enough. My tongue snaked and silently asked for entrance. Her jaw went slack. I took my opportunity. As if her scent and her look were not enough, her taste was heavenly. She was sweet and she was soft and she was Bella. I wanted it all. The kiss deepened and she moaned. My pants grew tighter. I pulled away.

"Bella" I sighed. My words were nothing, and yet they were everything that needed to be said.

Present day

I snapped out of my thoughts and was rushed to the present, where a very real Bella was nearby. I couldn't deal with it. I smoked. I hoped that when I returned to the Club I could leave quickly without hindrance and then I could just forget. I must forget.

Stubbing out my cigarette I walked back through the doors into where the music pumped loudly, but not loudly enough. I couldn't see her, and I felt my heart relax. The cold in my chest was still there though.

Emmett was sat at the bar with the girl I had distastefully announced I would be bedding before I had left him. He worked fast. She was talking at him but he wasn't listening. Despite out many differences, my brother and I were the same. We knew fake when we saw it.

"Gosh I'm so drank" she exclaimed laughing wildly and batting her eyelashes at both me and Em. I grimaced.

"Emmett I better head off. It's late and I'm tired."

"But bro-"

"No sorry I really have to go" I didn't let him finish. Whatever he had to say could wait, and with that I left him with his plastic Barbie. I would explain all later but right now the pain was still there and I couldn't trust myself to keep composed. I had to be composed.

I rushed through the club, heading to get my coat before I left and that is when I saw her for the second time tonight, slumped on a chair, with a man rubbing his arms across hers. She was drunk. I recognized the leering.

Before I could stop myself, I walked over. "Get the fuck away from her"

"Oh yeah, and who might you be? Going to make me?" He looked into my eyes with a look I guessed was meant to be intimidating. It did nothing.

"Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her." I said with a clenched jaw. He still hadn't removed his arms from her.

I saw red. Before he had a chance to reply, I grabbed him by the cuff and punched him to the ground. He tried to retaliate but his efforts where in vain. I lost it, and there was blood everywhere. The pain in my knuckles was welcomed and numbness rushed through my hands.

"EDWARD STOP. STOP IT!" I couldn't make out the voice but it was familiar. My vision was blurred and I was dragged away from the man. I was shaking. The anger I felt subsided and with shock I understood that there were tears. I slumped to the ground and there was no music to be heard. Only mutters of people who were watching a mad man fall apart.

* * *

_Ok so now we have abit of insight into edward feeling for Bella. But he claims those ar eno longer there...hmmm._

_Edward may seem like a dick still but things take time! There not going to run into each other and have sex in a toilet...that will occur later on in the story ;) (I'm kidding...i think..)_

_The Chapter title is curtousy of Alexisonfire - give it a listen. I think it adds to the air of the chapter. Remember Edward has alot of issues to deal with :( poor hot angryward._

**_And please remember, reviews would make me so very happy! You can even tell me where you want this story to go :)_**


	5. A lack of colour

_Ok so i'm on abit of a role writing wise, i just can't seem to stop! **thanks so much to those who have read and reviewed :)** And to those who have favorited and alerted, love to you!_

_I re-read the chapters before and it killed me that there were still some stupid spelling mistakes :| I'm sorry, i write late at night and it seems i have been slacking. Promise not to do it again!_

_I hope you enjoy this Chapter... :)_

_Enough of the rambling, here goes..._

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Looking down at my hands, I knew I was in trouble. I tried to flex my right hand but sharp pains shot through.

"How's your hand?" I looked up and realized it was Emmett that must have tore me away. I immediately felt remorse; he shouldn't have to see me like this.

"Its fine" His face was screwed up in a look of anguish. I rubbed my tears away. "I'm sorry Emmett. I'm so sorry". The man I had beaten up had got up and ran away it seemed and I thanked my lucky stars, because a prison cell was not on my top 20 things to see before I died.

"Edward, what the fuck is happening. What did you do? And what's up with Bella?"

Bella. Shit. I got up and walked over to her, finding her in the same state as I had left her in. She was still passed out. Ignoring the searing pains in my arms I picked her up gently, taking care not to hurt her neck as her head lolled. The searing pain was in my chest now.

"Emmett I need to sort this out. She's drank too much and I can't leave her here. Where the fuck is Alice?"

My answer came in the form of a man I hadn't seen in 3 years, "I'm sorry to say she's in much the same state Edward, I got a call of Alice in not the best of states asking me to pick them up...I'm taking them both home" I turned my head, noticing Jasper looking as tired as I felt. His face was blank.

"Home? Do Bella and Alice live together?"

"No, Alice lives with me. I'll drop Bella off at her-"

"Not a chance, I'll take her."

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean-"

"Jasper, right now I don't give two _fucks_ about what's good or not. I can't leave her alone in her apartment! She'll vomit and choke to death. I'll just stay the night until she sobers up and then I'll leave. Any true Friend would do that-"

"Oh so you two are friends now? God Edward you're so blind to what is right infro-"

I heard Emmett clear his throat, as he stepped towards us, stopping Jasper mid-flow. There was no exchange of pleasantries. Although it had been a while, Jasper had actually been like a brother to me. Shame things change.

"Look, let's not all get our panties in a twist. Edward, we can all share a cab home, that way we can all get home together. Jasper I'm assuming you know the way to her apartment? I think it's only fair he stays with Bella tonight and then as soon as its light he'll leave and she won't even know he had been there. Right Edward?"

"...Right" I nodded.

"Ok" shrugged Jasper. He wouldn't just let Bella go home with anyone so there must have been some trust still there. He was good.

Bella had not stirred in my arms at all throughout our debate, and I was thankful. I wasn't sure I wanted her to see any of this. I wasn't even sure what I was doing taking her home. But it was almost as if the conscious part of my brain had shut down, and I had given myself over to the automated responses that were easier to deal with. With automated, I was safe. With automated, it was easier to accept the surge of protectiveness I felt over her small self. With automated there was no judgment, just actions. I had to take her home.

Emmett and I walked out, waiting for Jasper to get Alice. As soon as he re-appeared clutching a stumbling Alice and her belongings, I realized she really was in a bad state. I put Bella down for a moment and seated myself next to her. Stupid girls and their stupid drinking.

"Well fuck you Edward Cullen. Sorry I tried to make Bella enjoy herself and forget about you, you self absorbed prick" Alice mumbled into Jasper's chest.

Shit, I must have said the last part out loud. "Getting Bella to pass out wouldn't constitute as enjoyment I think Alice" I replied curtly.

She turned to face me as we stood waiting for a Cab, and her eyes held a sadness I hadn't seen in Alice before. They were not her eyes.

"Yeah, but it could make her forget"

I had no smart reply this time, and I noticed Jasper clutch his arms around Alice even tighter than before. How many people had gotten hurt unintentionally?

"The Cab's here" Emmett announced to us. We filed into the car one after another, me carrying Bella in, and I ended up sat next to Alice. I looked out of the window.

"Why did you do it Edward? How could you?" she said, turning her eyes towards mine and holding them there. I knew I would have to reply.

"What's done is done. It's in the past now. You wouldn't understand" I exhaled slowly, chewing my words. She didn't need to know why.

"Try me" She whispered.

The Alice I knew would beat the answer out of you. The Alice I knew would scream and push and shove until I would be begging her to let me tell her. She was different. It hurt.

"She loved you" she said in a small voice. I turned back to the window, gathering strength from my weakness. It was easier to talk this way.

"I wasn't good enough for her. I never would have been. She deserved better than that. Than me."

"I won't deny that now. But she was happy Edward. You were what she wanted. Did you ever stop and think about what she wanted? And not about what you deemed to be necessarily good for her?"

"You don't know what you're talking about" I said, my voice cracking now.

"Maybe I don't Edward, but the only reason that is the case is because you never let anyone in. Did you ever even love her at all Edward?" she exclaimed, her voice becoming more and more hysterical as she went on.

I couldn't breathe; she was getting to close to the pain in my chest. I turned, and Alice's face flicked for a moment with an emotion close to torture. She must have seen something in my eyes that made her stop. She didn't speak for the rest of the journey.

I had almost forgotten that we were in company until Jasper sighed. "We're here now Edward. Here's her key. She's second floor up and its room 202"

I clutched the key in my free hand and carried Bella gently out of the car.

"You'll be ok now Emmett right? I've got my phone and I'll call you when I'm going to leave" I shouted in my brother's direction.

"Yeah, Edward. Goodnight" He said.

Carrying her to her apartment door was a surreal experience. Walking into her home was ever more so. To see where Bella spent most of her time almost seemed perverse, and my sick brain thirsted to know more. Taking it all in, I noticed her home was messy - something that had not been the case when I had visited her in her room at her Dads house. People change. There were photos on her fridge door of a younger Bella and Charlie playing in a sandpit, looking happy. Photo's of a teenage Bella with an Alice I recognized. Photo's of Bella alone. The end was cut off on one and I ran my fingers along it. I knew the picture. It was one that I had stood with her for. I cut off the conscious side to my brain and relied on the automated part. The automated got her a glass of water from her small but well kept kitchen and lay her down on her bed.

For a moment I could see a different path in my life. A path were I was hers and she was mine; where taking her home and laying her down in bed was a normal act, almost an unimportant one in that it would occur most nights. I could see her smile at me as she roused and I could hear her moans underneath mine as I made love to her just like I should have done while I had the chance.

I slowly took off her shoes and decided against taking anything else off. Sitting on the other side of the bed I watched her slumber peacefully, wondering how it was that she had ever been mine to start off with. She was not just beautiful right now; no, the word didn't suffice. She was something that man had tagged a word onto and surely not discovered yet, as they had not met Bella. Beautiful didn't cover it. Beautiful didn't begin even to describe it. She was extraordinary.

3 years ago, 28th September

We were sat in our safe haven. Our meadow. The sun was shining on her hair making the dark chocolate seem so much brighter. Her eyes were a light hazel.

"Edward...I want to do something before I'm 18" she twisted our entwined hands as she spoke.

"Anything, Bella"

She got up and straddled my lap. Oh

"I want you Edward. All of you"

Her lips started to kiss me at my collarbone and trailed themselves up to the base of my throat. I groaned.

"Bella, wait. Can't we just talk first abou-"

Her lips seized mine and I forgot all rhyme and reason. They were so soft and the taste of her was intoxicating. I kissed her back, my tongue licking her bottom lip and teasing its way into her mouth. As soon as she opened it I caught her tongue between my lips and sucked on it, hard.

"Edward" she moaned. It was enough to halt me in my tracks. This was wrong.

"Shit Bella, stop it. Why can't we just wait?"

"Because maybe I don't want to wait! What difference does it make anyhow?"

A lot. We had spoken about this many a time over the past month in our short whirlwind two moth relationship so far. She was pure and good and I would be taking that away from her. I was lousy and I felt lousy and Elizabeth was right. I would never amount to anything.

"Bella, just wait a second...we're young and so caught up in this we haven't even stopped to talk about...us. What are we?"

Her face went blank, I couldn't read her. "I don't know Edward...I..." her gaze dropped to her lap and I suddenly felt cold. She didn't know.

"I need to go Bella" and so I did. I left her in our meadow. She didn't love me, and why would she. I was the son of an alcoholic whose own mom hadn't loved him. I laughed internally and the outrageous prospect of her ever feeling as strongly as I did for her.

* * *

_so that was a flashback..poor Edward!  
_

_Hope you enjoyed, _

_reviewwwwwwwwwwwww if you did, i like to hear your thoughts on the progression of this story. BPOV will be coming around soon...she has her own side to things_


	6. Breath me

_Hello, ok so this Chapter is dedicated to **PatchsFallenAngel** and **acw1** for being loyal reviewers and being just general amazing! I love every review I get and it means a lot if you would take the time, even if it's literally a single :) or ? Or anything!_

_Enjoy this chapter, because i enjoyed writing it. Oh and please don't hate on my Edward :)_

* * *

She rolled over, facing me now from where I was sat on the edge of the bed. I could see the stress she held between her brows and there was so much I wanted to do to take it all away. But I couldn't.

"Edward" she sighed. I stood transfixed as her face metamorphosis into a serene look, rather than the heavy one she had been keeping before. It worried me. I wasn't sure if she was still fully asleep.

"Bella, it's me, I'm here" I replied, stroking the stray hair's that had fallen into her face. I couldn't help myself, so I took a strand between my fingers, thinking it would tame the need I had for her. As if my brain knew my plan, it only got worse. I wanted to lean closer. I did.

Stretching myself out next to her could have been perceived as a simple task, but not for me. I was so very aware of every little movement of her ribs as she breathed, making her chest slowly rise and fall. I was even more aware of how enticing her scent was and the heat it seemed to carry, and how I wanted to bury my face in her neck and kiss my way down to-

"Yes" she exhaled into my face. The aforementioned yes was so sensual and arousing that I found myself with a slight problem.

"Fuck, just like that" she hissed.

_Oh holy mother of McDonald_. She was having a sex dream. The slight problem grew to be much, much larger. I had to get up. If I stayed I would probably jizz in my pants and I wasn't into the whole pervert scene anyway.

Running off the bed like the lunatic I realized I was becoming, I strode out her room. The clock in her living area indicated that it was now 12.32AM. I had been watching her sleep for over an hour.

I wasn't sure what the protocol was for staying at your ex girlfriend's house while she was in a alcohol induced coma-like state, but I figured a shower would be acceptable.

Her bathroom was opposite her own room and looking around; I saw no men's paraphernalia. My mood was suddenly lifted, and i wasn't completely sure why. I could have used some shower gel as well. Grabbing a towel and hanging it on the bathroom door, I ran the water till it was piping hot. Stepping in, I let it run over my shoulders, relaxing me. It burned but it reminded me that i was still conscious. I had learned over time that feeling in any form was a positive.

I looked in the shower and found that there was two bottles of strawberry shower gel. What the heck, may as well use it to get clean.

What a mistake. It was her and yet it wasn't. It was her in a 2-D sense, almost a copy of her. I relished it. The thought's of her being in a shower with me in any way or form was suddenly doing thing to me yet again and this time I didn't have it in me to deny myself. However wrong it was, she was asleep and so technically what she didn't know couldn't hurt her...

I took the gel and lathered myself up, getting my dick lubricated. I hissed as I slowly traced the head, imagining it was her hands holding me. My dick was weeping already. I started a pace, slow strokes but with force and then I could feel the fire as it started to rise from my thighs right into my groin; welcomed heat. I placed a flat palm to the tiles shower wall, bracing myself for my release. Thoughts of her saying my name under circumstances different to her just asleep in bed had me panting. I was going to cum like a 12 year old, what happened to my stamina? I started to pump furiously and i couldn't hold the moans. My mind roamed to thoughts of her eyes alight with passion for me, and me alone, and I bit my lip and came against the tiles. My knees were weak and my breath came short and fast like my dick just had.

I rinsed off and got out, drying myself in the bathroom before leaving. I figured I couldn't avoid her now so I walked back into her room after I re-dressed in the same clothes I came in.

She hadn't moved a bit. She still faced away from the door, as if waiting for my presence back to the side of the bed. I sat back down as she faced me. For a moment I considered walking out there and then, but I was too weak. I wanted just abit more time with her while i had it. I was sure as hell she would be trying her damnest to avoid me from here on out, so why not take all i could get? I lay back down, my forearm resting behind my head facing her ceiling and closed my eyes

3 years ago, 13th August

Adjusting my incessantly wonky bow tie had seemed to become a nervous twitch for the past half hour of my life. It was leaver's prom night and I couldn't help but be nervous. Our whole teenage years were built up to this one night where the tipping edge between teen and adult was in sight, and school days were finally over. I would not miss school. There was so much affiliated with prom and so much hope and excitement attached to it that it was sure to be a letdown, wasn't it?

No, not with Bella by my side. We had been together for about two months now, and what a two months. Most weekends were either spent with Alice and Jasper and Emmett in tow, relaxing at our house or at Bella's house, kissing. I wasn't sure which outcomes I preferred. It was mainly the fact that Bella had anything at all do with what was planned that my heart thump ecstatically. She had taken over my whole mind.

At school I was still an outsider. I kept to myself but the only change was that, now, Bella was with me as much as I could help it. People noticed, and they talked, but i couldn't find it in me to care. Bella had mentioned that some girls in her Spanish class had stopped her on her way out to ask if she was really dating a mute just as everyone had been saying. Bella told them that yes she was, but that when I came I had no trouble in speech. Bella had never actually seen me come at all, but I acknowledged her sharp humor. I could imagine the girls faces painted with shock. She was a genius to me.

So, as I walked out my door being grabbed on the way by Esme and Carlisle for hugs and kisses, I couldn't help but have a bounce in my step. I was thinking positive for tonight, and most of all I was waiting to be back beside Bella. It had been a long time since I had seen things in a pessimistic light, and I couldn't completely be sure why. I unlocked my Volvo and jumped in, speeding over to her house. I put on some music to try and calm my, but I was fizzing ball of emotions that night.

I knocked on her door and was met by Charlie.

"Edward" He nodded in acknowledgement.

"Hi Chief Swan, I'm here to pick up Bella..." He was the Chief of Police round here in Forks, and I was not on first name terms yet. I would later learn that I would never get that privilege. I was stood on the porch, still waiting to be-

"Sure. Come on in" He stepped aside, signaling for me to sit down on the coach in their living room. He was tall, maybe a cm up on my height, and he sported a moustache that somehow softened all of his facial features. His eyes were a familiar brown. Bella had a lot of Charlie in her so I liked him as a result. The one word that best described him in my eyes was 'understated'. Everything he did was calm and he was the sort of person who could get his point across with just one word if he needed to. His attempts to watch over mine and Bella's rendezvous did not go unnoticed, but I knew he did it out of her love for her. I admired him. He was a father.

I seated myself in silence. He was not the type for small-talk and I was a fan of his ways. Normally he would seat himself by my side, flicking through the channels until he found a good game on in situation where we were both left alone. But tonight, it was different.

"Edward... I have to say this. I don't like that I have to, but I just do...look I know you kids are young and having fun, I remember vaguely what it's like" he said, surprising me with this lengthy statement. I smiled at his joke.

"But, listen here. Don't be doing any funny business without precautions ok...I mean sex is a serious thing with serious consequ-"

"WHOAH. Hold the phone a minute. is this seriously happening?" Bella said, exasperated.

My jaw went slack as I took her in. She was almost too good to be true. She was wearing a cream strapless corset dress that nipped in at her waist and then fell naturally past her hips down to her feet. I could bet my bottom dollar Alice had picked this out. I would have to thank her later. She was showing no leg and the only care skin I could see was that on her chest and neck, and yet it was so sexy and innocent at the same time that I was fast pushing myself into a bad place. I thought about my mom, and what subject Charlie had just tried to broach. Yeah, that should do it.

"Bella...so beautiful" and her reaction to my words had me forgetting about her dress, or Charlie's words. She blushed.

"Edward, you don't look to shabby yourself" She smiled back at me.

"Alright now, kids. Enough of the whole 'only have eyes for each other' chat while I'm here. I'm trying to say something. Just don't do anything you could potentially regret tonight. OK?"

"Dad...don't worry about stuff like tha-"

"Justuseprotectionkay?" He shot out without glancing from his hands.

"DAD. I'm a frigging virgin. Cherry intact. No popping before i can't be stopping. Nada. Now can we leave already?"

I watched in torment at the conversation that had just passed. Charlie smiled, attempting to hide the slight lift in his face, but I saw it. I was sure Bella saw it too.

"Yeah sure kids. Have a good night." He said as he ushered us out.

"Thanks Chief, you too" I said as I slipped my arm in Bella's, walking her to her car.

I opened her door and was about to watch her get in when I heard someone run over. It was Charlie

"Oh and Bella...you do look beautiful tonight" He said and turned as swiftly as he had come. I wondered just how had it had been for him to say those words. Bella smiled and then swiftly stepped inside my car.

As soon as we had driven for more than 5 minutes, i pulled over.

"I can't wait" I said, grabbing her face in my hands eagerly as if it had been years since I'd last felt her near.

Her lips moved in sync with mine and at that point it had to be the best feeling I had ever experienced. We had done more than kissed. Her tongue traced my bottom lip and I succumbed as out tongues languidly caressed. I was hard.

"I could help you with that...I mean...I could try" She said, blushing all the while.

Did she know how crazy she was driving me? I wanted to give her everything i had right there but I couldn't. It wasn't right.

"Bella, I just want this for now. Can we just enjoy this?" I said, backing up my point by resuming the kiss. I nibbled on her bottom lip and she moaned. The sound was heavenly and i wondered briefly what she would sound like cumming by my hands.

"I guess this is ok...for now" She smirked.

Ten minutes later, I figured we should actually head to our prom.

We walked hand in hand and I didn't care about the room full of people. Our school assembly hall had been transformed overnight into a dance, with dim lighting and punch bowls at every space available. I recognized the song and dragged Bella over to dance.

"Just this one! Please, with a colossal cherry on top born from the cherry monster?" I pleaded.

She smiled, and gave me my answer. It was Sufjan Stevens with 'for the widows in paradise'. It was slow and it was good. I held Bella tight as we swayed.

"Do you ever wonder where we'll be in 10 years time?" She asked me, pulling her face away from the crest in my neck. I pondered.

"I want an apartment with a massive piano, where you could play music to me all day and night" She said, her eyes not completely with me as if she was focused on something else. I chuckled.

"Trust you Bella. Where's the typical answer of 'I want 4 kids, 2 boys 2 girls, and i want to be happy and for world peace and-"

"I wasn't asking you to put an application in for miss world, Edward" She scoffed, snorting sweetly. I kissed her nose

"I'm not typical" She said so quietly I thought I had imagined it myself. It was true though. She wasn't typical at all.

We stood swaying, in a moment where no one else existed. I had not even said hi to one single person yet. They probably wouldn't say hi back anyway, so I wasn't disheartened by this fact. I thought about Elizabeth and what she would have thought if she had seen me now, in a tux, and a school dance, graduating from school with the prospect of college. I laughed.

"What are you thinking about?" Bella said, rousing me from my silent musings.

"Nothing" I said, stroking her hair, taking in the softness of it. She seemed satisfied with my answer and asked no more from me.

"Hey Bell! Over here!" I heard behind me. I grimaced. Mike.

"Oh, hey mike. How are you?" Bella said politely.

He looked at me in a way that I assumed was meant to be loaded with intimidation. I smiled back at him. He was an annoying brat who would always worm his way into speaking to Bella whether or not I was with her. I hated him. He was a waste of space and his blonde gelled hair infuriated me. Had he dumped the tub on his head or spooned it on?

"I'm great, and I would be better if I could have this dance with you..." He said. I tensed.

"Err yeah mike. Maybe later?"

"Sure...I'll be waiting" he said, sending her a wink that in my eyes looked like he had developed tourrettes. I considered the idea that he may have practiced it in his mirror before. I wondered whether Bella was annoyed by him as i was.

"How can you stand it Bella?"

"Stand what exactly?" she said

"Well apart from him calling you bell like a stupid musical instrument, how can you stand the whole general boys drooling all over you thing. I'd hate it" I said, hoping she hated it as much as me

"Edward, if you didn't I would be slightly worried...I mean, I could get a sex change but that would be kind of-" she said, making me shake with laughter.

"And you're one to talk. I think Lauren had a Coma when you gave her a pen in Biology about a month ago" she said smirking

"But she asked for one? What?" I said confused where all this had come from.

"Oh never mind" she smiled back at me with my favorite smile.

"I'm just going to go to men's Bella. Back in a tick" I said. Damn body fluids separating me from Bella.

I left her sat on a table and quickly took a piss. Two guys walked in and they chatted amicably next to me.

"That guy is one lucky dude man"

"I'd fucking tap that all night long.

"I heard he hasn't got a dick, and that's why he hasn't screwed her yet"

"Yeah well get this shit, I heard his mum fucked him up so bad when he was little. Was an alcoholic raving bitch that used to beat him up with her boyfriend's until he got adopted by some rich bastards who turned his life around-or so they claim"

"What do you mean?"

"Fuck man, how haven't you heard? He's one fucked up guy. My Dad said that when they adopted him he had burn marks all up his torso and that he refused to read books. Like a fucking horror story!"

"Ha ha, what the fuck man! Someone should warn that Swan girl! Bet she doesn't know otherwise why would she still be near him! Freak"

I didn't stay long enough to hear the rest. I ran as fast as I could out the doors of the hall, not waiting or looking for Bella. I ran to my car parked in the front and vomited up my day onto my shoes. I sat on the floor, sweating. The thought of Bella knowing so much about my past had me close to hyperventilation. This was too close. I had to make a decision before things got out of my hands.

Control had always been my friend. Something to rely on, something safe. Without control, there was fear. I had lived most of my early days in fear. The decision was whether I should cut my ties now while things where fresh, and save Bella from the embarrassment and shame that would most likely cover her and bring her down with me. Or tell her now. Esme and Carlisle had been kind enough to never mention my past since the day they took me in, and the same unspoken rule applied with Emmett. I wasn't sure what bringing it all back would do to me, and I wasn't sure what good it would do for Bella or me.

I was scared, and I made a choice that I would have to live with and question for a long time to come. Face fear head on, or walk away.

I walked back into the hall, shoes off after I left them in my car. When she saw me I knew she would be wondering what the hell I was doing with no shoes so I dragged her outside as fast as I could.

We reached my car.

"Bella" I breathed and I couldn't stop the ache in my chest at how my voice sounded to my ears. It was hollow, dead. A premonition of things to come. Of what I was to become. I shut my eyes as if holding them tight enough would make this all go away. I opened my eyes. She was still there.

"You're breaking up with me" She said so quiet, but I knew it was there.

"Look...I just-"

"Why?" She said, looking me firm in the eye for the last time.

"Bella I can't...I just can't ok. You deserve more. Please forgive me" I said. She closed her eyes but I saw the tears fall anyway, ignoring the temporary barrier of her lids.

"This is ridiculous. Speak to me. What happened? Why are your shoes of?" She said looking down at my feet.

And I made my decision there and then. I would lie. I would run. I would leave all this and never come back because I wasn't strong. I couldn't face fear.

"It's over"

* * *

_ok so i hope you enjoyed reading this! ahhh so glad i wrote this chapter now. It's nearly midnight where i am and i've caught the bitchiest flu ever so it was hard but fun, apologies for any typos. I've been sat solid for about 2 hours on the comp and my eyes are slowly dying so blame it on them! _

_Futhermore, fucking so annoyed at myself. In the meadow chapter i put the date as around september time...i meant for it to be around july! Major fuck up on my part._

So basically, time frame of flashbacks so far is

1) 24th june = meet bella

2)28th july(not septemeber!) = Bella tries to sex Edward up in meadow. He says no.

3)13th August = Bella + Edward prom, graduating last year of high school, and soon to be off to college.

_Anyhow. Poor poor edward. I wish i could kiss him better!_

_The Chapter is named after the most amazing girl who sings 'breath me' called Sia. She also sings 'my love' which is on the Eclipse soundtrack (The leg hitch scene for all rabid fans such as i!)_

_She is amazing, and i just had to link her into this chapter in some way or form because he work and music is incredible and this chapter is kind of a turning point for all you readers who were wondering what the fuck is up with Edward! At least we have more info into his mind..._

_I'm in two minds whether to switch back to BPOV next chapter to stay in EPOV. This story isnt fixed so review with who you'd like to hear from more!_

_Tell me you're thoughts guys! It takes two seconds...come on...you know you want to! Click review :)_


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